Dear Aircel

Dear Aircel Guys

Please stop playing with the emotions of the people. You don't give a fuck about tigers or lions or lemurs. If you did, you would have done something more than creating "awareness". Let's see what you have done. You have put up a website asking PEOPLE to create awareness & what not. You made a television commercial. You booked hoardings & press ads, not to mention give your advertising team a huge pay for this.

All this would have cost you atleast about 5 crores. In that money, you could have donated 15 new patrol jeeps, enabled forestry department to hire experts forest rangers and equip them with the basic stuff like walkie-talkies and GPS systems to keep a better track of these animals. That would have saved a few lives.

But I guess it is easier to just make an ad with a tiger cub saying "it is scared and doesn't know if its mother will return" or some shit. You guys suck. Please shove your innovative social marketing shit up your big, broad conference room asses. Will you stop thinking that we are stupid?

Please just sell your sim cards and begone.

Rot in hell.

PS: That goes double for you Idea guys and your "save paper, go green, unisex Abhishek Bacchann tree" and TOI with your "Aman ki Asha and Phir mile sur". Fucking assholes. Hope you choke!

It's official: Iam Obese!

I had a full body check up done on Saturday after I developed yet another exotic disease. This one is called episcleritis. It basically means my eye hurts because my back hurts. Yeah, I thought it sounds weird too. So anyways, Mom freaked out and I had to get the check-up done.

In case you have never had a full body check-up done and have no clue what it feels like, let me give you a clue. You basically try to run around from one department to the other all day. It was fine and I even went along with a 'dental' exam till I saw the last stop on my checklist...

'The Dietitian'.

That's not even a valid department I protested but I was shoved in anyways. And I guess I made her day. It is for people like me she gets paid her salary. She started by saying that I am obese.

Obese!

30 kgs over-weight!

WTF! 30! Yes, she said. Your system looks fine but soon you will have sugar, thyroid and pressure problems. I gulped. I could see KFC zingers and Azad Hind biriyanis slipping away from me. Her alarmist propaganda continued. And I sat in horror as she spelt out in crude details what my life was going to become.

She started spelling out my 'daily calorie intake' and my 'ideal diet'. I swear I have never felt so physically ill in my life as I did at that moment. I thought I would bury my face in my hands and cry. But she wouldn't stop. She handed me a 'vanilla flavoured' diet mix and a handout with 'foods to avoid' and 'foods to eat'.

Let me summarise the leaflet by the two pictures on each page. The first was a plate of pastries, chocolates, burgers, fries and meat. The second was grass on plate. I felt something die inside me. Nothing made sense anymore and I just shut the world out. She kept talking but I couldn't hear the words.

Finally the ordeal ended and I walked out of the horrible, horrible place. I went straight for a confectionery store and dug into two scrumptious chocolate pastries.

Then I smiled for the first time on that horrible day.

In the memory of the man who ate the world!

Jan 26th, 09:

2.30 PM: Lunch

• One large bowl of rice.
• Three bowls of dal.
• One whole brinjal, fried.
• Five potatoes mashed.

3.45 PM: Restaurant with friends

• One bowl of rice.
• Two portions of mutton curry.
• One portion of malai-curry prawns.
• Two colas.
• One portion of mango yoghurt.

5 PM: KFC

• One Zinger burger.
• Two pieces of fried chicken [Hot & Spicy]
• Large fries.
• Large cola.
• Chicken strips.

7.15 PM: Barista

• One large Hazelnut hot chocolate. [It sucks by the way!]
• One muffin.

8.30 PM: Dinner at Home

• Four chappatis.
• Three bowls of dal/chana preparation.
• One whole onion.

1.30 AM: Midnight snack [27th Jan, 09]

• Four slices of bread.
• Half a pack of good-day biscuits.
• One Ferrero Rocher chocolate.

Being jobless

A few days ago I was being jobless as usual, when Frodo buzzed me on gtalk. He was getting bored and was telling me that he too was... jobless. I instantly replied that he couldn't be more jobless than me. He obviously felt offended and before I knew it he challenged me to a showdown.

Frodo: I bet I am more jobless than you right now.

Venting-Macha: Haha, dream on!

Frodo: Alright you asked for it. Tell me what you are doing right now.

VM: Ok, since you asked... you know how wikipedia has a "featured article of the day" section?

Frodo: Ya.

VM: Well, today's featured article was "Neptune". Now the strange thing is I felt that I have seen "Neptune" as the featured article sometime ago. Could Wikipedia have repeated an article? Wow. So I have been searching through the archives of the last four years, going day by day, in search of the date when the said article had been previously posted.

Frodo: How long have you been doing this?

VM: For a few hours.

Frodo: Well, sorry to break your heart but that's not being jobless. You are investigating.

VM: Fuck you. What have you got?

Frodo: Ever used Google Chrome?

VM: Ya.

Frodo: You know how when you open a blank tab, your favourite pages are shown on it. Well, I like them in a particular order and since it depends on the number of times you visit that page...

VM: Fuck you that's not being jobless either!

Frodo: Huh?

VM: You are customising!

PS: After having searched through half of the archives, it occured to me that I might have seen "Neptune" in the feature picture of the day section. So, I promptly started searching through the archives of that section too.
At the time of posting this, I have looked as far back as June, 2006. An ice-cream on offer to anybody who can finish the entire archive search and tell for sure whether "Neptune" had been previously posted or not.

PS #2: And you think you were jobless?

Veg vs Non Veg: The Man kicks Macha ass again!

Yesterday at dinner, my parents were as usual cribbing about the amount of food I eat. Ma kept complaining about how fat I had become and how my brother-in-law had lost so much weight in the last few months. Why can't you make an effort, she pleaded even as I continued to keep stuffing my mouth. I was determined to eat my hearty meal and ignore the temptation to engage my parents in debate. I mean after all they have to live with the sight of an obese, lazy lump living in their house. But then my father, who henceforth shall be known as The Man, fired the first salvo.

The Man: Phoo, he's trying too hard if only he quit non-veg food he'd lose half his weight instantly.

At this point I must mention that The Man is a strict vegetarian. Of course as a self-respecting meat-eater I felt offended. I mean its meat! Its beautiful... it *sniff* makes me weep with joy sometimes in the middle of the night. I had to retort.

Venting-Macha: You mean to say vegetarians are not fat? Have ever seen those Marwari/Gujarati aunties?

The Man: Compare the comparables. They have a sedentary lifestyle. Amongst active people with similar lifestyles non-vegetarians seem to be fatter.

VM: [annoyed] How can you just randomly make statements like that? There is no study to conclusively prove all that. There is no data. What is the basis of such blanket statements?

The Man: The basis is my experience and observation.

VM: [even more annoyed] What! See it matters how a dish is cooked. A fried potato is probably just as harmful as fired chicken. Lean meat isn't fattening. It's the preparation that matters.

The Man: No! Meat is more fattening.

VM: But... but most seafood doesn't have fat!

The Man: [without blinking an eye] Which is why many coastal people don't consider fish and seafood to be non-veg!

VM: [stunned into silence] 

I quickly finished my dinner and beat a hasty retreat. No, I hadn't satiated my hunger. I left for a night-out soon after that and promptly dug into a biriyani dinner at a dhaba.

The Man rocks!

Venting Macha takes on Bollywood!

Ok, I got too much time on my hands and damn it my photoshop skills suck.  But you got to admit, these films would have been much more tolerable if only they had cast the Venting Macha!

Decide for yourself!

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi: 

They said the film is about the 'comman' man, the 'loser'. Well if that is so, Venting Macha says there is no bigger loser than him around. I know Shah Rukh Khan gives tough competition to most people but when compared to the Macha, SRK is just not loserish enough. Do I see you shaking your head in a condescending smirk? Can't believe that there can be a bigger loser than SRK? 

Ya I know the guy brought monopoly rights on the phrase 'Iam the best', put money in making films like 'One 2 ka 4' and 'Phir Bhi Dil hai Hindustani' and shamelessly admitted [repeatedly] on national television to being best-friends with Karan Johar & Farah Khan [eeks].

But consider this -

# The Venting Macha spent a whole afternoon looking through his old pics to find suitable ones for the purpose of this post.

# Learnt Photoshop.

# Googled SRK. 

# Morphed pics! And finally uploaded it on the page.

There now do you believe me? Hah! Thought so too. Next up, is the film that has bulldozed into record books by simply making people 'forget' what a shit-fest it actually is. Yes, I am talking about that spicier than a South-Indian rasam, cooked by Mrs Murugadoss, revenge-adventure flick that has brought the Indian tatoo industry into the mainstream and all of course in a matter of 15 minutes. Lest of course you 'forget'...*poof* Where was I? What was I talking about? [Checks tatoo on chest which says 'Aamir Khan is a sellout bastard' and remembers again].  

Driven by the marketing acumen of the obscene ball of muscles now known as Aamir Khan, it has been laying seige to our sensibilities courtesy plugged publicity in almost all mainstream Indian newspapers, news channels and of course websites.  

The film is about... who-the-fuck-cares what's it about! Have you seen Aamir's body? Have you seen his 8-packs? Have you seen that killer intimidating look? Oh boy, he gives me the chills! I wouldn't want to cross him the wrong way in a dark alley!

Hmm. So, you think that's scary? Take a look at this and tell me frankly who would you rather piss off.

On the left, Aamir Khan strikes a sullen pose because he's been punished to sit in the corner for having ears as large as angola rabbits! However, on the right is Venting Macha showing you what it really means to look a pissed-off bad ass in the eye. Feel tingly shivers running down your spine, uneasy restlessness in your heart... well then... beat it punk, or I'll get up from the chair and scream in a ridiculously hilarious fashion.

Oh sorry, that last bit was Aamir again from Ghajini. Anyways point well made.

Finally coming to the one man who many consider to be 'The Man' as he simply defies logic and keeps giving hits inspite of having stupid-sounding titles for his films, inane plots, stupid directors, insipid music and a heroine who looks like a million bucks but can't speak Hindi to save her life! Akshay Kumar is next. Singh is 'Kinng' it seems, and he can't spell english correctly either.

This one was the most easy, really! A clean-shaven sardar? Sheesh! The Venting Macha has been there and done that when he was all but 2 years old! Don't believe it? See for yourself...

Check me out doing my version of fist-in-air, 'Singh is Kinng' dance circa 1986. So there. The scoreline reads... Venting Macha 3 - 0 Bollywood!  I rule!

Moontwined

... and waiting for the stars to fall. Feedback welcome...